Cookie Crisp Cereal

Cookie Crisp: the cereal of contradiction.

The name implies that with every spoonful you will be biting into a delicious cookie that has a perfect, crisp texture. I would first of all like to shake the hand of a person who has actually eaten this cereal while crisp (straight out of the box) because the only cure for the styrofoam like texture in your mouth and the bad aftertaste of a cookie baked with the deepest contempt is a bowl of milk; however, once this milk is applied the cereal should be renamed Kind of Cookie Mush.

While the taste and texture are a far departure from what the name of the cereal implies, the most disheartening thing is the advertising campaigns throughout the years that the cereal has not only funded, but put on to TV. As other cereal's iconic figures have stood the test of time, cookie crisp cereal has limped from one failed character to another.

The first character, created in 1984 was Cookie Jarvis. A small man with a white beard and a pointy hat. Surely a magical being such as he could make fantastically delicious cookies. In fact, this was already occuring! In the Keebler elve's tree...

After walking the tight rope between terrible advertising slogans and copyright infringement lawsuits, the makers of Cookie Crisp decided to move on to another mascot, well, a few at the same actually. These new characters were Officer Crumb, Chip the Cookie Hound and Cookie Crisp Crook. These latter two "lovable" characters spent their days robbing people and stores of their Cookie Crisp. With Chip's iconic catch phrase - that I am sure no one remebers - CoOoOoOoOokie Crisp. These ads taught children important life lessons. F--- the Police and steal whatever you want! I attribute much of the problems with society's youth today to these immoral ads.

Later, Chip the Cookie Hound cleaned up his act, probably after a few years in Oz on hundreds of counts of armed felon, and started flying solo in ad campaigns (The Cookie Hound Crook caught the sharp end of a toothbrush in the shower while the two were staying in Oz). In these solo ad campaigns Chip wandered around offering Cookie Crisp cereal to little children, without their parent's permission. The parent's would often intervene and Chip would "convince" them that the children should eat the cereal - yet again, undermining authority and teaching children another valuable lesson - F--- your parents.

Lately Chip has completely changed from a lovable dog to a hungry wolf and quite frankly, I am afraid to go anywhere near the cereal - as I have nightmares of a wolf coming to eat me while I am "trying" to enjoy this terrible breakfast meal.